Hello gentle readers! I know it has been a long time since you heard from me, hopefully *this time* I will be able to keep my word and post more often. I have to be honest, I started a new blog on livejournal but I am not computer/internet savvy enough to use it, so here I am back home on Blogger.
I am writing tonight because last night I was inspired by what I think was the Divine. I was driving to my house after driving some co-worker friends of mine home and I was thinking about how much my life has changed since Nathan left two years ago and since I left my long-term position at the funeral home. Since those life changes I have been focusing on how much my life has changed without those two things. I have never seen it as a cutting away of the negative so positive energy could thrive, I have spent way too much time dwelling on the negative. At this point in my thought process, I had arrived in my driveway and as I sat there thinking poorly about my life and how bad things were, suddenly this voice inside my head said to me, "Tasha if you would stop fabricating a perfect past you would see that you are happier now." I don't know if it was the hoot that I smoked with my co-workers or if it was the Divine or my own "inside my head" voice, regardless whoever it was they were right. I realized last night sitting stunned and cold in my Tiberon that I have been lying to myself for the past two years.
The funeral home compared to Xerox was horrible. Every Christmas at Brenan's I would have to deal with the staff/management making rude jokes about my faith. They knew my financial struggles and I always worked hard yet they would not offer me more hours. I worked my little witchy ass off there for them and never once was there a genuine thank you.
At my job now at least I get the satisfaction of hearing thank you about 60 times a day. Yes I get yelled at but at least I am appreciated. Also I can afford to live now and pay my bills. I am allowed to book Pagan holidays off here without being made fun of. One of the best things about Xerox is that I can wear as many Pentacles as I please and no one says boo to me. No more being made fun of or treated differently because here they just don't care and its wonderful.
My life with Nathan was miserable and I hated being in that relationship, but for some reason I would not allow myself to see what I would not have now if he would have stayed. I would not be in this amazingly romantic and passionate relationship nor would I have the things I have, or the car that I drive. I would not look the way I look and I know if he would have stayed by now I would be 300lbs instead of being the same weight I was in high school, like I am now. I never cared about myself and I didn't know myself two years ago. Now I know the real me, of course I am still on my ongoing journey but at least this time, I love the skin I am walking in.
Last night when I heard that voice in my head I felt an inner peace that I have not felt in a very long time. It was that same feeling when you get out of the tub and your mom has warmed the towels up in the dryer- a warm surrounded by love feeling and it was fantastic. Not only did the Divine speak to me but they/it made me feel the message and I think for once in my life, I got it.
From yesterday forward I have stopped pitying myself every time I drive past Brenan's on my way to Xerox, instead I thank the Gods for giving me a good job that is secure, where I am appreciated. When I think about times with Nathan who was a complete and total PSYCHO with a capital "P" (lol) I think about how amazingly handsome and sexy Kyle is. How good he makes me feel and how he has done more for me in the past year and a half than Nathan ever did in the 6 years we were together. By changing my thoughts I really do feel like I have changed my life. Finally.
This is the mark of a new turn of the wheel that is my life and I am so happy to be walking into 2011 with a renewed sense of hope. Hope for 2011 and beyond, hope that I will find my feet back on the path that I walked for many years and kinda got lost on; hope that I continue to do well in a mundane and psychic/spiritual sense. I would like to welcome you readers, to my 2011 blog. I think herein you will learn a lot about me and of course the Occult in its many forms. Welcome and I really HOPE you too will be able to shed the skin of the past years and embrace the light that is waiting for you.
Blessings!
Vaida
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